I don't understand. No, not really.

Sometimes I say "I understand." when I really don't, but because my feelings are pretty hurt, I don't know what else to say.

I do not know why you treat me this way, I really don't.   I know you don't talk to others the way you talk to me, and I have *always* been here for you.   They have not.

You have continually chosen the wrong friends/boyfriends, and when they treat you bad, you "still love them."  But me?  No, I get treated like I am the one who has treated you so badly.   I have always had your back.  Always.   My tears are flowing right now, but I will never let you know how badly you've hurt me.  I'll just put it out here where nobody can put you and me together, except one, and she will pray for us, I know.

The thing is...I bailed you out yet again yesterday.  After I reminded you take care of it, more than once.  You didn't, and it cost me a lot of money.  I never once said, "I told you so."  I never once complained about hard I'd saved the money, and to yet again have to fork it over because of your dumb decisions.  I just smiled and told you everything would be OK.  And I don't think I would have ever resented it, until you treated me they way you did today.

And now, yeah.  I resent a lot of things.   When I think of all the things you have done that you shouldn't have and it cost me money, and then you turn around and do something that nutty again...then treat me like I am the one who is the source of all your problems...yeah...right at this moment, I am a little resentful.

I will forgive...I love you.   I will still have your back.   I will probably bail you out again some day.  But right now, I'm going to be mad at you.  I'm just going to be really mad for a while.  You won't even notice that I am not speaking to you.   But I'll notice, and I will be missing you...but not your attitude.  

Merely a test

This is just a test post, pay no heed to it!  

Mad again, hence the post.

It's been over a year since I've written in this blog.  Apparently, the last time I wrote here, I was mad.   Guess what?   Yep, I'm mad.  

I am now at the library.  It stays open until 1 a.m.   I may or may not be here, it just depends on how much I calm down.   OK, I suppose every one knows I won't be here at 1 a.m., and since I don't even have as much as a toothbrush with me, I suppose I'll go home.   Eventually. 

I type about 100 words a minute.   Gusts up to that, anyway.  I am the only one here...among many students...who's typing like a bat out of...bats don't type.   I could have used a bat ealier.   I could have smacked a few people with it.    I get gleeful just thinking about it.

Both my sisters left town.   They live an hour away from me now...I'm suddenly very lonely for my sisters.

What am I mad about this time, you ask?   Glad you asked.  I got mad at the BIL for failing to do what he offered to do, disappointing someone important to me.  Then, his brother, the one I married, took his side in it.   Let's just say things got ugly.   Now, I'm stting at the library typing on a germy computer, and he's home in front of the TV, feet propped up, food to eat (I didn't even eat I was so mad.   He just wouldn't shut up!   I kept saying are you finished yet?  He would say "Yes," then keep on.   Finally, when I said, "are you finished yet?"  He said, "I'll let you know when I'm finished."   So I finished for him by leaving.  However, he won and I lost because here I sit.

I called my daughter, but she had company, and I didn't want to barge in.   Besides, I wouldn't have burdened her with my anger.   She's got plenty to deal with as it is.  I'm not proofing this.   If there's mistakes, well, so be it. 

Anyway.   I said some things I shouldn't have, as well.   He just went much, much further.   The fight shouldn't have happened, because I was right and they were wrong...and because we are adults, we shouldn't have acted that way.

I'm being nicer in this blog than I really feel because I'm really mad.   I was upset with BIL to begin with, and that man I married just thinks that anything he does is fine and dandy.   I promise you, the man has done a LOT of damage to my family.  Caused untold grief.   But that's history.   Right now, I'm mad about the current disappointment that he is.  There was a time that I thought he was heaven sent to my family, but I assure you, I was wrong.

Nuff about him.

I guess that's enough here, too.   I'll go surf the net a while.

PS:  It's really hot in here.