My daughter, Elle, lives in an apartment complex where lots of children live. Earlier this week, she was “cussed out” by a two year old. Elle is one of the funniest people I know, so, yesterday at lunch she was cracking me up doing the accent of this little boy. (I’m from the deep south, so we know a thing or two about accents. Down here, we all got an accent.) The story is funny, until you really think about it.
One day last week, it was looking stormy outside, and a couple of two year olds were out playing alone. (Yes, you read that right…two years old. Our small Alabama town may be safer than some big city areas, but I would never, I repeat NEVER, leave my little ones out to play alone.) Elle told them (a boy and a girl) that they needed to go home because it was about to storm. The little boy, Devonte, who has a full vocabulary at 2, told her “No!” and proceeded to get into a car. (It’s August, and temps are near or over 100° every day.) The little girl got in, too. Elle noticed there were keys in the car…but that's beside the hot-weather point.
Elle told them both to get out of the car NOW. Devonte tried to push her away so he could close the door. Elle told him he absolutely couldn’t play in the car. He kept telling her to “Moo! Moo!” meaning, of course, “move!” He said, “You moo! Dis my mama cah (car), you moo!” The little girl started to get out of the car, but Devonte wouldn’t budge. Elle took him by the arm and pulled him out. He stood there, put his hands on his little hips, reared back and said, “You ugh-ly!” Elle said, “And mean, too! You need to go on home.”
Devonte said, “Booty azz!” and stomped off. Elle said, “What did you say?!” He stopped at his door, turned around and said, “You heard me!” went in, and slammed the door behind him.
The next day, Elle ran into to his mother. She told her what happened, and the mom, who is another fat chick, ran off after the little boy, yelling, “Devonte! You been cussin’ folks again? Imo beat yo azz!”
Oh yes, I'm such a child. I find bathroom humor funny.
Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm… let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened... A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.'
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Louie replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...
'Oh sure', said Louie. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already pooped my pants.'
Louie is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.
When the office characters have a secret, they want everyone to know they have a secret. If someone asks them what they know, they'll giggle with glee and zip their lips. I should tell those who want to know, that if they'll quit asking and start listening, they'll know it all...and find out that they were better off not knowing.
Kinda like yesterday, when one of the girls downstairs decided to walk the stairs of the parking deck for exercise...upon arriving at the top level, came up on a nude sunbather...I have to admit, the story of the young man running to his car holding his pants in front of him and his shirt behind him to cover his naked butt was pretty funny.
·Miss Shop-all-Day will have a meltdown if she’s asked to do anything.Even though she’s only shopping, her first response is “I don’t have time for that!”Her second response is, “I don’t know.” or “I don’t know how!”She’s now pregnant, and during the first few weeks of her finding out, we’ve had to hear stories every day about how many times she’s had morning sickness, where, when, how much…etc.
·Miss Sweetie doesn’t want to do anything extra that might help…but she really is sweet about it.
·Miss Director watches her brood and thinks what a great department she has.She contributes to their idiosyncrasies in ways that amaze.
·Miss Whatever!doesn’t give a rat’s a$$...her words, not mine.
After my Office BFF gave her notice and left, they had the task of finding someone new…which they did, and I like her…I like them all...but they can drive me bonkers at times.I imagine the interview process went something like this:
·Miss Director:Do you consider yourself a chief or a peon?
·Miss Sweetie::::nods and grins:::
·Miss Whatever!:Whatever!I don't give a rat's a$$, but we really need a peon.
·Miss Shop-all-Day: I don't have time for this.I'm only here to tell you that I throw up a lot.
·Miss Director:Yes, yes, she does.So, are you a peon?
·Miss Whatever!:I don't give a rat's a$$! Whatever!
·Miss Shop-all-Day: I threw up 7 times this morning.In the bathroom, the hallway.The bedroom....
·Miss Whatever!:Whatever!I don't give a rat's a$$!
·Miss Director:She really doesn't.Do you consider yourself a peon?We seem to be in need of a peon.
·Miss Shop-all-Day:....twice in the kitchen.Let's see, that's only five.In the drive way...
·Miss Whatever!:Miss Shop-all-Day, let the girl tell us whether or not she is peon.I don't give a rat's a$$, but we have too many chiefs around here already.
·Miss Shop-all-Day:...and in the parking lot!!
·Miss Whatever!:Whatever!I don't give a rat's a$$!
·Miss Director:Thank you for coming in.
·Miss Sweetie: :::nods and grins::: We'll be in touch.